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| Yeah, I drew this... wasn't fast enough to take a picture.... That bugger did dumbly smile at me like I invited him (and his family) over for a Rosa floribunda dinner. |
There is one topic on the hill
I have been avoiding a discussion on, the herbopredators that make the hill
their home. It is so easy to manage the
weed lifecycle, even when they come back year after year. You just pull it again and again. See weed, pull weed, plant better plants, add
mulch, hope for the best; this cycle is one I have embraced fully. Embracing this cycle is not hard.
In stark contrast is the
herbopredator, pocket gopher (Thomomys), management cycle. The gopher cycle in the cultivated zone starts
something like this, see nothing, lose favorite plant, cry, kick, scream,
swear, try to skewer a gopher kabob by ramming a pitchfork into the ground,
jump up and down, swear again, notice neighbors peeking out the back door, and
quietly compose self, wiping away tears at loss of favorite plant. Yes!
This has happened! It would be a
viral YouTube sensation I know, but it was not scripted nor recorded. Too bad…
After the “scene” the
“management” cycle starts.
Head to garden store… buy poison bait… return home, open poison… walk to garden poison in hand… read directions… have a change of heart… Poison, that is BAD! I don’t want to hurt wildlife, or my kids, or
a stray dog in the very off chance it enters my yard, my BACK yard, and dig in
EXACTLY this spot where the poison was placed…
schedule hazardous waste pickup to properly dispose of unused gopher
poison….
Head back to garden
store…. Buy gopher gasser flares! Invite friends over for party… drink a couple beers responsibly… head to garden… light flares, drop in hole… THIS IS FUN!!! Hope a wildfire doesn’t start because it will
be hard to explain… Kill nothing, but
laugh a lot.
Head back to garden
store…. Buy Macabee traps…. return
home…. Head to garden…. Dig into gopher tunnel… try to set trap… Swear….
Take trap around neighborhood for tutorial…. Swear…..
look on internet for trap instructions….
Swear… Hurl trap into the deepest
darkest corner of the garden shed and hope never to see it again unless it
figures out how to set itself.
Head back to garden
store…. Buy battery operated gopher
deterrent stake, you know the one that chirps incessantly…. Buy batteries…. Place stake in garden… listen to incessant chirp 24 hours a day 7
days a week!!! Buy Advil… Say mantra “this is all to keep the gopher
away, this noise is OK”… This is only an
option for areas AWAY from sleeping quarters…
Wait for batteries to drain… not
realize batteries are gone…. Enjoy a few
days of peace and quiet, wondering what is “missing”… Begin cycle again with second favorite plant
blowing over in a stiff breeze….
Call in a professional! Pay $500 for one month of treatment to rid cultivated
zone of 3 gophers. Listen to the sales
pitch that they will keep coming up from the hill so a “service plan” of $100 a
month is warranted. Cry silently inside at
price and not sign service plan paperwork…
Replacing plants may be cheaper in the long run...
Head back to garden
store…. Replace batteries in the gopher
stake (believe it or not, this works to keep them out of the cultivated zone- I
just can’t imagine the headache of hearing multiples going off 24/7)….
Research better traps… Black hole trap! That sounds good!
Show trap to neighbor and
bribe him with 6 pack of GOOD beer for every confirmed kill. Neighbor kills a gopher right away… GO NEIGHBOR….
pay up in the beer…
Head back to garden
store… buy the Black hole traps yourself
and watch neighbor’s tutorial…. head to the hill…. set traps (no swearing
involved, NICE!!)... Wait… try different locations… wait….
Witness the mass destruction and widespread hill damage…. Wait…
nothing…. Try more traps…. Wait….
Nothing…. Move traps…. Wait…. Nothing… Wait…. Nothing… Wait…. Nothing… Wait…. Nothing… Wait…. Nothing… Wait…. Nothing… Wait…. Nothing… Wait…. Nothing… Wait…. Nothing… Wait…. Nothing…
Reflect how similar your life
is to Caddyshack right now, not the rich country club aspects, but the Bill
Murray gopher aspects… WHY GOD WHY!?!?!
I cannot figure out how to
kill these buggers, and honestly, I am conflicted about killing them. WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!?!?!?!?!
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